April 19 is a pretty big day for me all things considered. That date in 1994 was my first full day of being sober and I have managed to keep that status ever since. The days leading up to the 19th of April every year since, at least for the first 10 years or so, was always highly anticipated. My 10 year anniversary aside, I typically don't make a big deal out of it. But internally it had always been a big deal. As each year would pass the impact would wane some, but never to the point that it has this year. This year I damn near forgot about it! I was doing my normal morning routine with the coffee and the news on tv when they mentioned that today was the 16th anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombing, which also happened to land on my 1 year anniversary. It wasn't until then that I realized what this day meant for me... How did that happen? How did I go from counting the days like a kid in December waiting for Christmas, to almost forgetting entirely about the day? A better question would be, what does this mean?
Does this mean I am better off than I was 16 years ago? Did I almost forget because not drinking has become such a non-issue that it can almost be said that I no longer have a problem? OR, does this mean I have lost my fear of what could be if I did drink again, thus losing my sense of importance for this accomplishment and therefore putting me in a much more dangerous place in my life. Am I more or less in jeopardy of drinking now than I was 16 years ago? I think if two things can be equally true, you can make a case for this.
It's times like this that have become my struggle. No longer do sudden urges brought on by life's events bring the thought of drinking to my mind, those days passed me a long time ago. My alcoholism has evolved into questions like this one that can never be answered. I think this is why most people who do the program (AA) stick with it years after quitting, it's their safe place.
I say this every year and it bears repeating, this thing is wayyy bigger than I am and there is no way I could do it alone. I have a tremendous support group comprised of a great family I am blessed to be a member of. I have a network of friends who are some of the most amazing people I could ever hope to meet. I have surrounded myself with support, day in and day out. I have the privilege of coaching on the run team for Team in Training, helping people achieve their goals and doing it for a great cause. If you are reading this, know that in some way you are part of my safe place, and for that I owe you a debt I could never repay.
Thank you for 17 years of the best times of my life.
